Dear Forgive Coach:
I have been happily married for three years. My husband and I feel like soul mates. There is one issue that keeps coming up between us and it is really odd, but it is definitely affecting how I feel about our relationship. Basically, his mother doesn’t like me. She is quite an intellectual and doesn’t think I am good enough for him and is continually making underhanded remarks about my family or me. She adores him and I can’t imagine that anyone would be good enough for him in her eyes. I supported him through law school and that isn’t enough for her. What is really odd is that he doesn’t stand up to her and I want him to! I feel like he is risking our relationship because he won’t defend me. What should I do? EN
Dear En:
I can only imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. Using the words “soul mates” indicates to me that you feel your relationship runs to great depths and you truly value it. I also might expect that you are looking for validation in this situation and want me to give your husband some sort of “call to action” on your behalf. However, I am going to look at this from another angle. Given that you used the word “intellectual” in the description of your mother-in-law, I have to wonder if there is some sort of trigger for you. What I mean is that I think you might feel insecure with regards to your intellect in this relationship. Is this possible? If you resonate with this to some extent, then I would like you to consider a change in your approach to this situation. You put your husband through law school, which is fantastic! I can see why you might think he should “defend” you, but why don’t you become your best advocate? Honor yourself for your hard work and your loving support of him and feel it so fully, to the core of your being, that no one can take it away from you. I believe that when you do that, you will feel such strength in who you are in this relationship, that her dishonoring of you will mean nothing and it will dissipate; that energy will literally dissolve. This has nothing to do with your husband. You can provide your best defense by believing in who you are. You will have a much healthier and happier relationship if you proceed bylooking to yourself for your strength and then taking stock of how this marriage is stacking up for you.
I see great things ahead for the two of you!
Lovingly, Dinny
Dinny Evans is a Certified Radical Forgiveness and Radical Manifestation Coach. She has been working with the Institute for Radical Forgiveness and Colin Tipping since 2007. To find out more about her coaching practice, her workshops and support groups, visit http://www.forgivecoach.com.
If you would like Dinny’s advice, e-mail your letter to Forgive@HBMag.com.
