[ If you would like Dinny’s advice, e-mail your letter to Forgive@HBMag.com. ]
Dear Forgive Coach:
I am sick and tired of hearing the phrase “everything happens for a reason” spin around in my head!
On the one hand I can’t imagine what the reason could be for me to find myself so incredibly miserable right now; and on the other hand, if I could only find the reason for all of this, then maybe I’d stop feeling this way and I could get on with a happy life! It seems so unfair, and I just want to figure it out and escape the miserable situation I am in. I am an artist, and my husband and I have worked together for over five years, creating art for various organizations and foundations. We are just beginning to get known and sought after, and I just found out that he has had a girlfriend for a couple of YEARS and wants to leave me but wants me to continue being his business partner since our work together is so integrated with each other’s talents! I hate him and want to say no, but I also love him and I want him to see how much he needs me so I can win him back. Why could this be happening, why would he cheat on me and ruin what we have? – CK
Dear CK:
I see the dilemma you find yourself in and I can feel how uncomfortable you are, so the last thing I want to say is that everything happens for a reason; but I’m sure you know that is what I am about to say! The reason is not black and white and it also isn’t meant to be a punishment. There is no way that your loving spiritual guidance system wants you to feel punished. Sometimes, however, it is important to feel pain so that you will wake up to the truth of who you really are. Once you do this, then you see that in terms of Radical Forgiveness there is nothing to forgive because the truth has actually set you free! It just so happens that at this point of the process you do not feel free, you feel trapped.
First, I suggest you take a quick scan of past relationships to identify that you have been let down before. You most likely always put all you have into a relationship, including finances and hard work, expecting that you will once and for all “be enough” and then be loved. This time, you really have gone all out. Your hard work has made you a valuable piece to a successful business, and it still isn’t enough! He wants you for that, but not as a partner. How much more painful could it be?
It is now time for you to see the value and the beauty of who you really are. You are enough and your priority right now is to see that. Your husband brought you a lesson you can no longer ignore. Your marriage might survive, but for now focus on yourself. Figure out why you don’t put yourself first. Practice some self forgiveness. You can be a successful artist on your own if it comes to that. Find your strength, live it and then see who shows up to share your beauty with you. No one can truly see you as beautiful and talented until you do!
Blessings, Dinny
Dinny Evans is a Certified Radical Forgiveness and Radical Manifestation Coach. She has been working with the Institute for Radical Forgiveness and Colin Tipping since 2007. To find out more about her coaching practice, her workshops and support groups, visit www.forgivecoach.com.
Dinny,
I dont know what to say about your response to CK, and I fear that my response is going to be quite devisive and condemnatory. I just dont know how else to say it, but from my perspective what you promote isn’t based upon any evidence based therapeutic theory as it is steeped more in what I see as mysticism and para-religious ideas about the world and spirituality.
Is CK’s quandry about punishment or is her situation the result of a cullmination of years of childhood experiences and the development of a set of rules to live by in order to “make it” to adulthood? Did CK choose her partner (and he chose her) in order to work out unresolved issues that originally have their roots in her family system and relationship (or lack of) with her parents?
What you dont address are any wounds from her familiy of origin, let alone give credence to the feelings that she has now. I do realize that you have a very short amount of room to respond with, however I find your comments lacking in adequate training or insight about human nature and the pasts that we all come “at” life with.
There are many issues to address with CK, including her grief and what may be a misplaced hope to “win her man” back somehow via some sort of hopeful code or system. Trying to give someone guidance as a pscyhotherapist in 4 paragraphs is tough enough even with the training, but to pawn off CK’s issues to mysticism and an appeal to see her own beauty somehow in the midst of her pain is tantamount to shortsighted utopianism at best and malpractice at worst.
If someone wishes to come to someone such as yourself AFTER having had adequate psychological therapy/counseling (assuming they’ve tackled the major issues of life, their past and etc), is one thing…. but to not even suggest that CK even consider seeing a licensed therapist first does cause me to question your judgment in offering CK advice that isnt really helpful at all.
I apologize ahead of time for appearing hostile, however as a licensed therapist I must raise these issues simply from a social justice perspective so that readers make informed decisions about their mental and spiritual well being.
Hi Derrick.
“Whose Fault is it Anyway” was designed to wake people up and look at the part they play in each relationship be it personal or business. Yes, we both can agree that there may be deep rooted issues that could to be addressed. Readers enjoy Dinny’s straight forward response, that is why they write in and ask for her opinion. Derrick you are assuming that these people need or want therapy sometimes they just want an unbiased opinion or a different perspective.
Dawn Gowery
Publisher/Editor-in-Chief
Healthy Beginnings Magazine