If you would like Dinny’s advice, e-mail your letter to Forgive@HBMag.com.
Dear Forgive Coach:
Lately, I seem to be surrounded by people who can’t tell the truth! At first it was just annoying little lies, for example someone said they returned a phone call and left me a message, and I know they didn’t. That is an example of many similar situations. I have always prided myself on telling the truth and being honest about everything.
Recently I was hit with a lie that was too big to just slough off. The secretary in our office wanted to take an unscheduled vacation back east to a wedding. I knew this only because she told a co-worker. She thought she wouldn’t get the time off on such short notice, so she had her husband call me and give me
some story about surprising her with this special trip to see her friend. I knew she had already made her plane reservations! That was the straw that broke this camel’s back. I fired her for being dishonest!
Now I feel terrible and resentful that she put me in this position. I feel like I’m the bad guy and we do not have a secretary. If she had just been honest, of course I would have given her the time off. But the damage is done and I can’t stop thinking about it, the resentment is eating me up. What can I do? – BC
Dear BC:
Have you ever heard of the phrase and/or condition “If you spot it, you got it?” I think you have a case of this! When someone shows up with a trait you claim to be so intolerant of, most often this is mirroring a behavior you have demonstrated in the past that you are so embarrassed about; you stuffed your shame and then have become extremely indignant of any such behavior in someone else.
Please, give this idea some consideration because I know your initial response will be to not agree with me. But take some time and see if you can pull up a memory, possibly a very old incident where you lied and were so ashamed that to protect yourself from those horrible feelings of guilt and shame, you went into complete denial. Then every time something comes up, someone else lies to you, that old memory tries to creep to the surface and you stuff it back down by reinforcing how committed you are to the cause of honesty!
This secretary gave you a huge opportunity to heal your own guilt and shame. Identify an incident (there are probably more than one) and live through it for a moment. Embrace your embarrassment and then forgive yourself for making a mistake and let it go! When we expect only perfection from ourselves, we inadvertently become intolerant of others, and that is a sure path to living in resentment.
As for your secretary, this situation unquestionably brought up something she attracted and hopefully, she will find a healing path for herself as well, if she chooses to.
Lovingly,
Dinny
Dinny Evans is a Certified Radical Forgiveness and Radical Manifestation Coach. She has been working with the Institute for Radical Forgiveness and Colin Tipping since 2007. To find out more about her coaching practice, her workshops and support groups, visit www.forgivecoach.com.
