What if Divorce Became an Awakening?

by Terry Lowey |

A Realization And Acceptance of Circumstances

What if…the voids in our lives, the places swept empty by divorce, could be filled slowly and thoughtfully with new ways of being that make the years to follow meaningful and satisfying?

After all, the unsettling pain of divorce is virtually guaranteed to grab our attention and catapult us into the present moment; the very state touted by spiritual traditions as the most meaningful and effective place to be.

Unless you escape into the numbing malaise of drugs, alcohol, rebound relationships, over-work, over-media or the depths of depression, a serious life review ensues. If you look closely enough patterns will emerge. Once recognized and dealt with they can illuminate your path forward and make some sense of what has been, and the part you played.

Feelings must be felt! Do not resist or mask them with outside sources. Pain is vital information. If you step on a rusty nail, you better hope you feel pain so that the situation can be addressed. In the workbook entitled Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life, Steven Hayes, Ph.D. writes “If you chronically avoid what you feel, eventually you do not know what you are feeling at all…Then it’s far easier to make mistakes…Without the clarity of acceptance and willingness healthy action is not possible.” Especially when life is in a state of flux or loss, due to divorce, feeling is essential for emotional healing. The poet and writer, Oriah Mountain Dreamer asks, “What if it’s not about trying at all, but about deep, deep listening?”

Acceptance of change is a fact of life. The common human tendency is to resist change. Everything is in a state of change, at all times, no matter what. We, the world and the universe we inhabit are all comprised of energy in motion. The more we resist this truth, the more we demand permanence, the greater our discomfort. In her work, The Call, Oriah Mountain Dreamer shares, “The Call is really a call to surrender, to give up our war with reality…to be with what is, to start from there.”

The stunningly simple first sentence in M. Scott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled is “Life is difficult.” He goes on to say that knowing this actually makes it less difficult, because we know what the terms are. It is part of the deal; it is okay. Acceptance does not mean a defeated resignation. It can mean having the confidence to know that the mystery of life can be imbued with love, gratitude and reconciliation no matter what limitations we encounter in the moment.

Learn to recognize when thinking is distorted. Difficulties tend to trigger unhealthy thinking habits. Do you believe that every thought you have is true? Dr. David Burns, M.D., identifies a number of common thinking errors and defeating attitudes, for instance, “It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone.” Such a thought is guaranteed to be followed by a cascade of negative thoughts and will always result in negative and disempowering feelings. These feelings are a direct result of thoughts, not the situation. Deflating thoughts can be used as a cue, to develop a new way of thinking. An example of rewording for positive thinking might be, “having this part of the relationship end is a transition; one that I will work (or live) my way through and grow from. I will keep my focus on the highest good for all involved.”

Worry is the equivalent of negative visualization. Can you imagine the outcome if an athlete went into competition believing he or she were doomed to misery and failure? The quality of our thoughts makes an astonishing impact on the quality of our lives. There are many songs, books, movies and other media that elevate the mood into motivation. Begin by re-training the brain and heart to see the positives.

Consciously craft a version of your story that gives a sense of purpose and meaning to your life. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who spent several years in Nazi concentration camps wrote, “Don’t ask what meaning your life has, but what meaning will you make of it.” There is no situation from which you cannot emerge wiser, stronger and more determined to create success. Read stories of others who survived and thrived against terrible odds. Get inspired!

To awaken, choose to receive what the experience has to offer. In one of her poems about the fires and the black river of loss, Mary Oliver writes “To live in this world you must be able to do three things: To love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones as if your whole life depends upon it; and when the time comes to let it go.”

Now that you have taken a look at the role you have played divorce can be a call to awakening when you can embrace and accept change, retrain the brain with new ways of thinking and get inspired by others stories.

References:

1. Burns, David D., M.D. The Feeling Good Handbook. Penguin Books
2. Hayes, Steven C., Ph.D. Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life, The New Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
3. Frankl, Viktor E. Man’s Search For Meaning.Simon & Schuster
4. Mountain Dreamer, Oriah Cancer as a Turning Point Volume II From Surviving to Thriving Sounds True audio learning course CD4

For more info, contact Terry Lowey, MFT at (775) 322-1924, specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.