Dear Jen,
I recently got back into the dating game and I have gone on some dates. I feel like I am getting rejected by these men that I went out with and it is hard to put myself out there. What advice can you give me to keep going with this dating process when I take the rejection so personally?
—Desperately Seeking Connection
Dear Desperately Seeking Connection,
Dating is a process and absolutely needs to be viewed as such. Every person isn’t right for every other person and accepting that early on in your dating adventures will go a long way in preserving your self esteem as well as enjoying the journey while trying to get to your end destination…Love.
Just because a date decided you weren’t right for them doesn’t mean you’re not a great person, and quite possibly the perfect person for someone else. Sometimes you will be the person to decide it wasn’t a good fit and I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to take it as a personal rejection. We all need to keep in mind that every lid does not fit every pot and move forward; but don’t get discouraged, because every lid does have a pot! If you keep dating, learning and moving forward, the day will come when you will sit down across the table from someone and all will be right with the world.
You’ll also need to consider that you might be exhibiting a behavior on these dates that is standing in your way of getting second dates. I would recommend that you attend one of my dating seminars, where we cover the do’s and don’ts of dating and the most common mistakes made on dates. I have also authored a book called “When Planets Collide,” which covers over 100 dating topics (whenplanetscollide.com). Once you have learned the do’s and don’ts of dating and have made sure you are showing up with the right attitude, not making common mistakes and presenting yourself well, you will find that it will be easier not to take the so called “rejection” personally. Instead of viewing it as rejection, you will begin to see that it just wasn’t the right fit.
—Jen
Jenifer Rose, Owner of It’s Just Lunch (registered trademark) Personalized Dating Service is also the Creator and Producer of The Plush Life on Channel 2, Sundays @ 5:30 pm. Listen to Jenifer on The Buzz 1270 am on Sundays at 11:00 am. Her live radio show “Skirted Issues” covers dating, relationship, intimacy and romance topics.
RE: Desperately Seeking Connection
Jen, while the practical aspects of what you offer can be hugely helpful in and of themselves where the “do’s and dont’s” (and etc) are concerned, there may be some other deeper issues percolating within “D S Connection” that may be need some attention. For instance:
- Disconnection can come from childhood and adult trauma’s and drama that create the disconnection response as a protective measure, so the question to get beneath is, “why is this disconnection there?”
- Why is DS Conn seemingly drawn to or choosing men who are rejecting her?
- Are there any recovery (aka healing) issues related to past relationships that need to be worked through?
- Are distancing and other patterns evident in DS Conn’s life, those of her family and past relationships? What are the themes that emerge?
There may be a lot going on behind the scenes that we simply cannot know, thus people like yourself wind up only being able to hint at the surface issues rather than direct readers and clients towards some other more latent issues that might need some attention.
Derrick, thank you so much for your thoughts and input. Your points are excellent and I certainly understand what you are saying. Unfortunately when I receive an anonymous letter I don’t have the opportunity to ask any further questions. I have to take the letter at face value and answer it as a dating expert. Even if DS Conn does have other issues going on, my advice will still serve well. It would be crazy to assume that every person you went on a date with would think you are the perfect person for them. If we felt rejected every time another person decided we weren’t the one for them, dating would be a horrible experience and people wouldn’t want to date anymore. I say, start with making sure you’re a good dater and if you’re still struggling you should explore other issues that might be going on. Thanks again!