by Karla K. Garrett, Director of Education & Training, Institute for Radical Forgiveness, Inc. |
Briefly call to mind the last time you felt upset or hurt by the unkind words or thoughtless actions of someone you love. Were you were able to say, “I forgive you?” What if the person who hurt you was you? Do you recognize yourself in any of the following statements?
“I am my own worst enemy.”
“No matter how hard I try, I can never do it right.”
“I cannot believe I was that stupid.”
“I have to be perfect.”
If these or similar thoughts have crossed your mind, practicing self-forgiveness can release you from self-condemnation and even lead you to heightened awareness and spiritual growth.
Most people do find it far easier to forgive and accept the faults they find in others than to release harsh, self-critical attitudes. Yet, we live with ourselves 24/7. The relationship we have with ourselves forms the foundation for every other relationship and everything we do in life. Should we not, therefore, offer consideration, even compassion, to ourselves just as we do to others?
Take a moment to think about the possible benefits of forgiving yourself. Visualize or imagine what you would feel like if you could forgive yourself for all the things you have done and said and for just being the way that you are. What would it feel like if you could accept yourself completely, just the way you are, and let go of all the remnants of guilt and shame which have you feeling stuck in the past? Might that feel like inner peace or freedom, like hope or self-love?
Most spiritual teachers and traditional therapists encourage learning to love oneself as a key to higher self-esteem and greater satisfaction with life. Yet, how does one achieve self-love? Over the past decade, thousands of people around the world have found their answer to that question in the practice of Radical Self-Forgiveness. Practicing self-forgiveness can free you to move forward and devote your attention and energy to creating the relationships, the work, the very life that you want to live.
So, what is Radical Self-Forgiveness? It is both a philosophy and a practical technology comprised of simple step-by-step tools which can enable us to develop a more positive, constructive relationship with ourselves. Specific tools like a two-page Radical Self-Forgiveness Worksheet or an audio exercise called “The 13 Steps to Radical Self-Forgiveness” move us from an attitude of self-condemnation to a new perception of our stories or the situations which caused the sense of guilt or shame in the first place. Every Radical Forgiveness tool takes us through a story, what happened along with our interpretation of the facts, and asks us to truly feel our feelings. Where we once judged ourselves harshly for feeling the way we did, we are asked to accept and even love ourselves for having the feelings. Accepting that feelings are neither good nor bad is key to this forgiveness process. This is where we give ourselves a break for being human.
The next step, collapsing the story, occurs when we entertain the possibility that all of our life experiences are purposeful, giving us the opportunity to grow and learn both humanly and spiritually. From this point, we attempt to rewrite or reframe our stories and to speculate about what the purpose of our stories might be. Perhaps our pain has taught us to be more compassionate or has created within us a desire to be of service to others. Perhaps we have developed courage we never knew we had. Maybe we have learned to be better communicators and to speak our truth. Finally, we integrate our new story, replacing the victim story we had in the first instance with the idea that ultimately, our life experiences have been for our highest good, even if we do not know what that might be.
Are our new stories true? It does not matter. All that matters is that they are much better stories to hang out in, particularly if they lead us to living in a more positive, constructive, self-loving manner. Radical Self-Forgiveness does not relieve us of responsibility for our past actions, but it does enable us to move forward in life with a sense of freedom, joy and even gratitude for all our experiences.
References:
- Information based on Colin C. Tipping’s book Radical Forgiveness – Making Room for the Miracle
