by Ffjorren Zolfaghar |
A bright light, bone chilling air and a thunder of noise embrace the newly born child. Screams of confusion fill the air…hush…only the sound of falling tears are now heard. The baby is still, serene, laying in the arms of an angel, her mother.
It would be amazing if each and every one of us encountered love, in that capacity, for the first time. Love from our mother, a love that is described as unconditional. If you were lucky enough to be born into that situation, you may have experienced an enlightened form of love as you first entered into this world.
Unconditional love is defined as affection with no limits or conditions; complete love. Familial love and unconditional love seem to go hand in hand. Our mother or father might tell us that no matter how angry they are, they will always love us. Our brother or sister might push us around at home, but when someone else is doing the pushing, they’re always there to defend us.
Your little brother might go into your bedroom, take your doll and give it to the dog. But, when he comes home from school crying, you find yourself instinctively caring for his needs. You tell your child that you will always be there for them, no matter what. “I would die for my child,” might run through your mind. These situations personify “unconditional,” right?
If you combine the definition of unconditional love and the thought of learned behavior, you get a person who is either capable or not capable of offering or receiving unconditional love. There are, of course, inherited traits that were passed down genetically, however it seems that environmental impact plays a larger role in how a person is loved, perceives love and gives love.
When looking at familial love as a person’s first source of love, there are so many variables that exist. As soon as a baby is born, he or she is thrust into “their” life, their family. This family could be a single mom, a teen mom, an adoptive family, a two-parent family, a foster home, an orphanage or his or her grandparents or aunt and uncle. We all have a family of some sort; therefore, we all have an environment that will impact our cognitive and emotional dealings with love.
Take a look at familial love within a “mainstream” family; which is generally one mother and one father. There are two human beings, from different families, coming together to work on creating a healthy and loving family. According to Carl Alasko, parents should “make sure your values, goals and style of parenting are sufficiently compatible to create a (relatively) united parenting style.”
First off, this is a difficult task to say the least. Where some of us may posses the same geographic and demographic background as our partner, we still came from different family settings. Each of us learns love in a different capacity. Therefore, the learned behavior of love or unconditional love goes deeper and deeper. For example, your father might not give you praise, like a simple “good job son.” He still loves you, but he did not learn to provide this type of reassurance of care and love because he did not receive that from his father.
Emotional reassurance itself is not love; however it is one of the many aspects of how we present our love, especially to our children. When we are young, love is relative. In a child’s world, the love for a special toy is profound. As parents, it is our place to provide children with the very basics of human to human love. That being caring, nurturing and showing affection in both physical and verbal actions. Little things like hugs and kisses, praise and just spending time with your kids show them that you love and care for them.
As parents, siblings and children, we all do our best at showing our love. According to the book, “five good minutes with the one you love,” here are a few practices that you can do with a family member every day, to deepen your connection.
1)Have a greeting ritual. Rather than jumping right into daily topics of discussion, show them you care by saying, “I am so glad you’re home. You fill my life with joy.” Or, “it’s always so good to see you. You still make me melt with love.”
2) Give a spoonful of reassurance. Acknowledge your partner or children’s accomplishments, both big and small. Write your child a note, thanking them for something they did the previous day and pop it into their lunch. If they make their own lunch, wake up a few minutes early and make their lunch for them.
3) Laugh out loud. While sitting with your loved one, make a conscious effort to laugh together. Take turns laughing back and forth. Then, laugh together.
4) Honor your commitments. Think of the vows you made to your partner and to yourself. Say them aloud to your partner. Then, tell your partner the following, “I pledge to honor my vows to you every day.” You can also do this with your children. Make sure to follow through with any commitments you made to them and let them know that you will be there for them.
Next month, we will take another look at unconditional love. Is this the love that most of us strive for and search?
If you have a “love” story you would like to share, please e-mail it to ffjorren@hbmag.com.
References:
- Brantley MD, Jeffrey. Millstine NC, Wendy. Five good minutes with the one you love. Raincoast Books, 2007.
- Alasko Ph.D., Carl. Emotional Bullshit. Penguin Books, 2008.
- www.dictionary.reference.com
