by Terry Lowey |
Remember the legendary story that you were taught in grade school about George Washington, as a young boy, admitting that he chopped down the cherry tree? It has been well over 200 years, and tens of thousands of heroic and monumental acts have transpired since that time. Still, the story of the boy telling the truth endures. Why? Because being honest takes that much courage. In Washington’s story, and perhaps in our own, the simple act of telling the truth is a harbinger of potential for greatness.
Among the qualities that separate other animals and life forms from humans is our ability to think and choose. There are laws of nature for the relative stability and security that we are privileged to experience in our every day lives. The degree that people lie upsets and unsettles that natural order, disrupting the flow of the Highest Good. Certain behaviors such as stealing, jealously, cheating, and murdering are universally viewed as diminishing quality of life, and therefore discouraged. Moral codes to guide us are found in every culture with ancient wisdom coming from sources such as The Ten Commandments, The Yoga sutras, The Ten Nonvirtures, etc. Lying has deleterious effects to living with integrity.
Freedom of speech, and the power to use it casually to distort the truth has become too commonplace. We must have lost our historical perspective: There are places on this planet even today where you might be put to death for expressing your opinion. And yet, it seems, we take freedom of expression so for granted that we open our mouths and speak deliberate untruths without giving it a second thought. Big or small a lie is a lie.
Receiving information in the form of facts and even personal validation is absolutely necessary to increase insight and understanding. The sum of our lives consists of our choices. The more informed our choices, the more we can act with confidence in creating positive outcomes. Lies feed misinformation into the feedback loop. Like an algebraic equation with random numbers inserted, lies do not lead to high quality solutions.
Often lies are told with misdirected ‘good intentions’. One example is when a child who accurately perceives a problem with their parent asks, “What’s wrong?” only to have the parent blandly reply “Nothing.” Although the parent may have been trying to spare the child worry, the actual outcome is that the child will either think their parent is lying or will come to mistrust their own intuition. Neither of these is a positive result and both have lasting and cumulative effects. It would help the child to develop emotional intelligence by validating their impression, acknowledging that adults do have feelings and struggles, too, while at the same time assuring them that all will be well. The truthful answer might be: “I am having a bit of a hard time, sweetie. Thank you for noticing and for caring. Everyone struggles sometimes, right? I know I’ll get it figured out. I’m o.k.”
The employee who lies on their time-card is stealing from their employer. The immediate gratification of some extra cash in their pocket is short-sighted and misguided if the goal is to be employed and to make money. The employee who can be trusted is a valuable asset and far more likely to both be employed and to be financially compensated. Couples who lie to each other detract from the potential depth of their connection to the degree that they lie. “If you tell the truth you have a relationship. If you don’t, you have an entanglement.” (Hendricks). Students who cheat on a test or plagiarize their work are lying about what they know and even who they are.
The one we hurt the most with our lies: ourselves, of course. With every lie we chip away at truth and clarity; we muddy the waters. We validate that we lack the pure courage, conviction and self-confidence to speak the truth. We slip further away from discovering our true selves. Our personal power is diminished and squelched. Even when there is short-term gain, it is inconsequential in comparison to the ground that is lost.
Why do we lie? At the core of it is FEAR: fear of someone being mad at us; fear of conflict; fear of getting in trouble; fear of admitting we made a mistake and appearing foolish; fear of scarcity; fear of rejection, fear of failure, and fear that we are just not good enough.
Lying is characterized by guilt and denial. It even affects us physiologically. “Dishonesty…creates more energetic exhaustion because you have to ‘protect the lie’ you’ve created. Such negative mental attitudes trigger an adrenaline reaction in the physical body and frequently result in chronic exhaustion, depression and low self-esteem.” Conversely, we can “retrieve the energy” by telling the truth. (Myss)
Lying engenders doubt, mistrust, cynicism, obsessive worry, paranoia and a view of life as inherently hazardous. Behaviors such as keeping secrets, withholding information, and avoiding, dominate our lives and often results in blaming and projecting onto others. Truth is grounded; it fosters clarity, confidence, hope, security and optimism. While lying stirs angst, truth promotes a sense of peace and well-being.
Then there are the lies we tell ourselves in the form of denial. 12-step programs share an acronym for the word: Don’t Even know I Am Lying. We can masterfully convince ourselves that although he flies into a rage and hits me this time, surely he will never do it again; that just having this one drink won’t ruin my sobriety; that cheating on my spouse isn’t that big of a deal – after all, what they don’t know can’t hurt them.
Lies are a key component in any addiction process, and are addictive themselves. They are told in vain efforts to manipulate the truth so we won’t have to deal with difficulty, won’t have to face and feel something unpleasant, so that we can avoid and even escape consequences. Like any addiction, lies are an avoidance mechanism that ultimately results in deeper, higher and far more unpleasant messes than we ever would have incurred if we would have made the choice of telling the truth to begin with. The longer the time taken to deal directly and honestly with a situation, the more distorted and unmanageable it becomes, creating a bigger burden, which is harder to resolve.
We need to understand the raw power inherent in our freedom to choose, each choice crafting the quality of our lives and emanating from us out into our world. In her poem ‘The Kookaburras’ Mary Oliver writes: “In every heart there is a coward and a procrastinator. In every heart there is a god of flowers, just waiting to stride out of a cloud and lift it’s wings.”
No matter what we are faced with we can choose to align with the peace that comes from honesty. Instead of diminishing the power and beauty of the spirit within us, know as the ancients do that “The truth will set you free.”
References:
- WHY PEOPLE DON’T HEAL AND HOW THEY CAN by Caroline Myss, Ph.D.
- THE CONSCOIUS HEART by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
- Speaking Truth The Art of Sacred Speech by Robert. E Svoboda
For more info, contact Terry Lowey MFT at (775) 322-1924.
