Healthy Boundaries

The ways that we act according our boundaries gives illuminating information about our self-esteem and our view of the world.

Few people fail to be unnerved by the stranger they just sat next to who unhesitatingly divulges intimate details of their life story, pouring it out like water through a sieve. Their conversation is not about connection, as they seem utterly unaware of impressions received or conveyed by the listener. This story teller seems to have no conception of boundaries at all—either of their own or of others’.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the fear-laden individual who has pulled their armor-like boundary in tight. They give off clear signals, whether spoken or unspoken, to stay away. Their “No Trespassing” message comes across loud and clear.

One is as invasive as an uninvited guest in your home while the other is resolutely determined not to cross paths in any way.  Somewhere in between we find arrays of healthy boundaries. We can feel the comfort they generate as they exude self-respect with an equal regard for others.

Example of Healthy Boundaries:

Mother Susan is grocery shopping with her son Ken, 3, perched in the shopping cart seat.  As she stops to chat with a neighbor in the produce isle, Ken reaches over and grabs an orange from the display. Susan seamlessly responds with “thanks just the same, son, but we’re not getting that right now,” while she retrieves and replaces the orange.  No over-powering indignation or other overreaction—seamless.

Brittany the adolescent is screeching at fever pitch, awash in tears as she insists that she be able to spend the night at her boyfriend’s house. Her father resolutely stands his ground, adding that he will have no further discussion on the matter at all until she can address him in a level tone or voice. He is refusing to the futility of trying to problem solve with an escalated adolescent. Honoring his beliefs and comfort level with the decision he has made, he remains unmoved by his daughter’s attempts at forceful manipulation. He knows that allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says, ‘I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.’

Jake and Lyla are in love and have been living together for over a year. They get along well, have shared interests and seem to fit beautifully into each others lives. Because they talk openly about their likes, dislikes and plans for the future, Jake makes it clear that he adamantly opposes getting married or having children—ever. Lyla, 30, a vibrant woman with a career, and has always wanted both to be married and to have children. After deep introspection and clarification of their respective positions, Lyla makes the heart-wrenching decision to leave. As much as the love they share is true, each knows that to deny themselves on these core issues would rob not only themselves but each other. Through the act of leaving and discontinuing the relationship, Lyla is honoring both her boundaries and his.

Julie and Kevin, like all of us, have times of struggle in their relationship. On one occasion, with a sense of overwhelm and anger he spreads his hand across her throat and moves her aside. Julie immediately calls 911 and leaves their home. She files a police report. Even after the heat of the moment has passed and Kevin begs forgiveness, Julie moves out and will only consider reconciliation after he has received a minimum of 6 months of anger management treatment. Julie is acutely aware that “where there are no boundaries the same bad decision has an opportunity to be repeated. If I do not make a statement about how their behavior affects our relationship this time, they will think that what they are doing is okay next time. This is about my need to honor their choices and honor myself.”

Many believe, and indeed there is science to support that there is an interconnection between everyone and everything which ultimately connects all forms of physical matter. At the same time, we can see and feel the energy of the distinct boundaries that separate physical forms. We can consciously create many of our boundaries and choose to honor them through our words and deeds. We can learn to develop a keen awareness of the boundaries of others and honor those as well. Some of these choices are extraordinarily difficult to make at the time. To be sure, we can imagine from the examples given that the more difficult the boundary choice, the more severe the negative outcome has the potential to be if that choice is not made. As we do this vital and dynamic boundary work, we can come ever closer to achieving lives that flow with grace and ease.

References:

1. Chapman, Gary PhD. The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing, 1995.

2. Vanzant, Iyanla. One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. Fireside, 1998.

For more info, contact Terry Lowey, MFT at (775) 322-1924, specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.