Written By Rev. Jack R. Ellitott,
Author and Spiritual Life Coach |
Dear Rev. Jack, “I am paralyzed with fear. I have nightmares every night. Do you have any insight for me?” – Linda, from Sacramento.
My dear Linda,
First let me redefine fear for you. I believe fear is nothing more than an anagram. My friend and mentor, Terry Cole Whittaker taught me that fear is truly an anagram for “false expectation appearing real.” Your question about fear and your nightmares reminded me of a story she’d tell to illustrate what she had been taught as little girl. The story goes something like this:
“There was a little boy who night after night had the same dream of a vicious monster creeping into his bedroom. The monster would fly up from the end of the bed belting out a horrendous screech as fire spewed from his mouth.
The little boy would scream with terror and run from his bed down the stairs and throughout the house as the monster chased him. The dream was so horrifying; but before the monster ever caught the boy, he would awaken and then tremble the whole night–fearing the dream would come again.
One night, the monster came again. This time, the monster seemed more vicious and threatening. As the boy ran from his room, the monster got closer and closer. The boy ran down the stairs and back up again with the monster’s hot fiery breath at his back. As he reached the top of the stairs, the door to his room was locked. Not knowing what to do he turned toward the monster and screamed, “What will you do to me?”
The monster paused and looked at the boy and said, “It’s your dream kid. I can only do to you, what you believe I can do to you.”
The boy realized that night that he has the power over any demon, monster or fear he could imagine. He never had that dream again because he understood that fear is merely a false expectation appearing to be real.
What we fear often isn’t based on any factual data, but none the less, the fear often renders us paralyzed. Many times we hear actors tell us that “stage fright,” or the fear of performing, kept them from sharing their talent with the world. But then something happened, and they faced their fear, took a risk and realized that what they have feared would happen, never happened.
A client of mine was in financial crisis and about to lose her home. She was falling behind on her mortgage payments and horrified that the woman who held the mortgage on her home would kick her out. Each time her phone rang, her stomach turned. And if the mortgage holder called, she’d toss the phone under a pillow; she was horrified to hear what the mortgage holder would say. She would even delete the voice mail message without ever listening to it.
Finally, she realized that fear was driving her life. While she didn’t have the courage to call her mortgage holder, she did have the courage to write her a letter, acknowledging her financial situation and asking for the mortgage holder’s understanding.
A few days later, her phone rang; she didn’t recognize the number so she took the call. It was her mortgage holder. “Honey, I so understand; everyone is in crisis these days. I’ll tell you what, for the next year, could you pay half of your mortgage payment? Could you do that, sweetie?” My client was so shaken by the mortgage holder’s kindness she could barely get out a meek little “yes.”
Now my client can afford to stay in her home. But more importantly, she realized that had she faced her fears, and called the mortgage holder sooner, she would not have agonized for three months over something that wasn’t real to begin with. The monster in her dream was of her own creation.
Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with saying “Do one thing a day that scares you.” Linda, I believe if you look your monsters (fears) in the face, instead of giving into them, you will be able to say, “If I can face this, then I can take anything that comes along.” By doing so, you take your power back and no longer project it on to your imagined demons and monsters. – Rev. Jack
Rev. Jack Elliott is a Spiritual Life Coach. You may reach him at revjack@revjackrelliott.org.
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