by Terry Lowey, MFT |
Divorce is a soul stretcher, one of those charged life events where the rubber meets the road. A benign divorce experience belies a sense of core inner passion, in much the same way that would be true if a couple were to go through the motions of getting married with an absence of feeling. In the words of therapist, author and speaker Steven Kalas, “Marriage vows bind us. Marriage is a mirror reflecting our life of ‘we’. And, if we have a shred of integrity and self-respect, if our words and promises mean anything at all, then there is no way to remove the mirror without injuring ourselves. Without tearing open some holes that will need healing. Not even if the divorce is the exact right thing to do.”
The dynamics exchanged in a healthy divorce (yes, there are healthy divorces) are the same as those in healthy marriages. The same basic rules of engagement apply, although this time it is to disengage. Healthy marriages demonstrate mutual respect and civility. There are differences and areas of disagreement, of course, but they are undertaken without contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling or criticism. The ego’s demand to be superior and ‘right’ (which results in contempt) is supplanted with a compassionate regard for the other while at the same time being in one’s own truth and holding firm to boundaries.
It does not require hatred of the other to relinquish them of your heart, that negative action is a sure-fire way to keep them front and center of your emotional self. The opposite of love is not hate; it is said to be indifference. Being that indifference is defined as apathy or lack of concern on any level, it would not seem to be a realistic response. Some people may feign indifference, but it is a good guess that in regard to someone they once felt strongly enough to marry there is a high probability of negative judgment, fondness, or well wishes at the very least. Again, neither a successful marriage nor a successful divorce is the fodder for emotional neutrality.
There is a sort of magic in perception. We feel emotion not based on what is happening outside of us but rather from a cascade of messages sent from our brain into the rest of our being. It is our interpretation of events that creates the emotion, whether conscious or subconscious. Divorce threatens imminent disintegration of well-being, in part, because the prohibitions against it tend to be potent and entrenched.
To preserve social stability and even survival of the species, cultures and religions have incorporated rules to support permanence in marriage. This is both understandable and desirable as a guidepost to foster the nurturing and thriving of humans. However, consider that to declare the preservation of marriage as nothing short of a mandate and to label anything less as sub-standard may be a critical error in perception.
There are marriages that vastly enhance and contribute to the flourishing of the human condition. There are marriages that are equally destructive and have an adverse and corrosive impact. It is rarely a small or easy task to decipher if the latter contains even the slightest glimmer of possibility of being transformed into the former. There are divorces that devastatingly diminish quality of life and there are those that can provide dramatic improvement in the same for all involved. There are innumerable shades of impact.
The position taken here is not to advocate for or against divorce, it is for the right and privilege to be able to choose. Many if not most cultures allow for it, often with instilled patriarchal values by those that benefit from them.
For those who find themselves involved in or touched by divorce, all of the ingredients for personal transformation are now at your finger-tips. This is an opportunity that is virtually unparalleled to discover, uncover and heal significant facets of your life. Often times nothing short of a forced disintegration of the old has the velocity to compel and propel us to consider new ways of being. Usually very well concealed from our immediate point of view within every potential disaster are layers of insight that can add depth and far greater meaning and joy to our lives. Divorce is no exception. The power to heal can be bestowed through the gateway of pain.
The wise old sage who said that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us strong was not whistlin’ dixi!
In the words of Elizabeth Lesser, co-founder of Omega Institute focusing on health, wellness, spirituality and creativity, “But here’s the thing about marriages: Every one of them has a story that could end in divorce. That does not mean they all should. Nor does it mean that divorce will automatically raise the wreckage of the soul from the bottom of the sea…What matters is that we take the deadness of the soul seriously; that we pay attention to the contents of the heart; that we ask the hard question, and fearlessly face the hidden parts of the self.” The Swiss psychiatrist and founder of Analytical psychology Carl Jung, reminds us that what we do not bring into conscious awareness is destined to come to us as fate.
Divorce does not automatically diminish our lives. How we choose to navigate through it and then to reconstruct our lives will determine whether we end up far better or far worse for the wear.
References:
- Kalas, Steven Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing. Stephens Press
- Gottman, John The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers
- Lesser, Elizabeth Broken Open How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. Random House, Inc.
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