by Cheryl Blossom, MA, ED. T |
If you have ever visited a foreign country and not spoken the language you know how difficult it is to communicate. In our own country people around us speak the same language, but this does not mean that they comprehend what we are saying, it goes beyond just our words. Our gender, family background, culture, schooling, religion, urban or country upbringing all affect our ability to communicate.
Do you ever have angry or cold exchanges in your relationships that you settle for as communication? Do you often feel thwarted or ineffective when you try to communicate?
Healthy relationships rely on healthy communication. In order to powerfully operate in life we must have the ability to communicate effectively. Miscommunications create misunderstandings and can make it extremely difficult for our needs to be met and to have our relationships work. Humans may have the most advanced ability to communicate, setting them apart from the rest of the creatures on this planet, but it is the ability to communicate effectively that allows for a happy and healthy lifestyle.
When we experience communication difficulties, many times we stop trying to communicate all together, which leads to many unhealthy relationships. We may think, “Why bother, they won’t understand anyway,” or we may blame the other person for our lack of communication. This can become a vicious cycle and leaves us feeling powerless, frustrated, angry and alone.
The good news is that communication problems can be remedied. The first step is to identify that there is a problem. Next would be taking the steps necessary for improvement.
Here are a few examples:
Noticing and changing our beliefs can transform our communications. Beliefs are conditioned ways of seeing the world. The way our thoughts turn into beliefs is through our emotions. The thought “my spouse never listens to me” does not live like a random fleeting statement; it is cemented into a belief through our feelings toward them.
Accompanying the thought “my spouse never listens to me,” is the body sensations heat and tightness. These body sensations are called feelings. We learn to label these feelings, such as anger, and associate them with people. Thoughts are then added, “They are so selfish. They do not care about me.” A story about them is then fabricated by our inner psych. Fear follows, associated with the body sensations of shallow breathing and rapid pulse. Fear leads to thoughts like, “Maybe they are going to leave me.” Our story becomes increasingly emotional, more real. We may have weak knees, associated with helplessness and add these thoughts “I guess that it will always be this way. No use in trying.” Our story is filled with thoughts, feelings and emotion and becomes factual in our mind. We believe it is true, we know it is true.
“Reality” is added to our belief system when we look for and reinforce these thoughts, feelings and stories. We believe our story because our thoughts are accompanied by body sensations. Ultimately, we condition ourselves for this reality. The story becomes our conditioned belief entrenched into our physiology. Our brain’s neural pathways become deeply grooved.
We now have a habit of thinking and feeling a certain way about a person. Our physiology aligns with this conditioned belief and it becomes true for us that our spouse never listens. Any thought that does not match up feels weird and wrong; even if they did listen we probably would not notice. It would not compute because we have conditioned ourselves to feel this way. Our conditioned belief becomes “reality.” Noticing and changing our beliefs can give us access to transforming our “reality.”
According to Dr. Ahern, in order to change our reality we must make a new belief as visceral as the old one. We must add feelings to our new thoughts. Our entire being must engage in creating this new reality. In order to create a new relationship with our spouse we would need to feel them as loving and caring, as someone who does listen to us. When thinking of them we would need to create feelings of love and happiness while we create the thoughts that they are attentive and want to hear what we have to say. The more that we create these thoughts and emotions, this belief, the more we will have this experience be our reality.
Asking yourself “Is this true?” is a powerful technique introduced by Byron Katie, an American speaker and author who teaches a method of self-inquiry. “My boss is a tyrant.” “My spouse is selfish.” “My kids are not grateful.” “I’m not supported.” When we have a thought about a situation, another person, or ourselves ask the simple question “Is this thought true?”
Our preoccupation with how we see things may keep us out of being present with what is really going on. How do we know that what we are thinking is true? We all build models of the world with our beliefs and then relate to our models as “real” and have a tendency to think that our thoughts or our point of view is the right point of view, the only one to have.
Our most intimate relationship is the one we have with our thoughts. When we start to analyze our thoughts and beliefs about “the truth,” our reality will transform. How we relate to our thoughts and beliefs will effect and determine everything in our life, especially how we relate to others. Instead of demanding that others change, observe assumptions. Ask “Is this true?”
Communicating from nothing
Communicating from blame has a certain flavor to it. Blaming the person you are communicating with, no matter what the issue, is basically telling them that they are wrong. In this situation people will constantly try to prove that they are right. Holding the point of view that they are wrong will thwart any attempt at communication. Nobody wants to listen when they feel they are being blamed.
Practice giving something up in your communication
Give up defending or justifying yourself, controlling, protecting, or trying to make it their fault. Let go of making them wrong, or trying to fix them. Notice if you are manipulating the conversation and stop, just listen.
A powerful communication technique introduced by Landmark Education is bringing nothingness to the communication. A way to do this is by being interested in how the world occurs for the person you are communicating with. Practice listening from the question: “Have I heard this before?” When the answer is “yes” look for something to give up. Bringing nothingness to a conversation takes discipline and practice. When you communicate from nothing you can truly listen to the other person. You can create something in the communication. Your communications and relationships will transform.
Master acknowledgement
Another way to transform your communications is to master acknowledgement. This does not mean the “You look nice” compliment. Acknowledgement is not describing or manipulating anything; it is about creating a reality. Bring the experience of being acknowledged into existence as you generate the acknowledgment. If you start to listen for what people want to be recognized for and acknowledge them communication will open and lighten up.
References:
- I Need Your Love, Byron Katie, Back in Charge!, Dr. Adrianne Ahern & Landmark Education’s Access to Power Communication Course.
- Cheryl Blossom, therapist, motivational coach and founder of The Institute for Inspired Living.
For more info, contact Cheryl Blossom, MA, EdT at (775) 338-8617, Director of Institute for Inspired Living.
Starting a love relationship can be the easiest part, but being able to maintain it is what will make it healthy and long lasting. The key ingredient to maintaining that relationship is by keeping the lines of communication open.