When you consciously want to make changes, and you find that old habits are getting in your way, you experience stress because those old habits are held in place by your subconscious mind; and when the conscious and subconscious are in conflict, the subconscious will win. That’s because when we repeat behaviors for a period of time, the subconscious accepts the behavior as something you should continue doing, and as a result, it becomes almost second nature.

For instance, when you first started driving, you had to use your fully engaged conscious mind to coordinate everything; watch traffic lights and other cars, apply the brake gently, etc. Now, your subconscious mind is in charge of driving most of the time. You can talk on the hands-free cell phone, change the radio station, yell at the kids and drink your coffee. Hopefully not all at the same time, but you get the idea–your subconscious mind learned how to drive and is going through the motions, while your conscious mind does other things. Actions that once took all your conscious attention have now become habitual. Habits are patterns stored in the subconscious. They’re automatic responses.  That’s why the subconscious is the winner in any conflict between conscious and subconscious.

Habits can be our enemy or our greatest resource. They’re neutral. They’re not for us or against us. If we learned poor eating habits as a child, then it’s likely we’ll continue with those habits. If we learned to eat healthy, then we’ll probably continue with those habits.  If you’ve tried and failed to change any habit through will power alone, it isn’t always easy and that’s why. It takes about three weeks of conscious effort to create a new habit.  This leaves a lot of opportunity for things to go wrong.

During hypnosis, a shift of information (think electrical energy) occurs in the brain that cannot occur in a conscious state. This is why we can shift habits so quickly after hypnosis. However, intention plays a big part here. If you really want to change the habit, that desire is very powerful. But you still have free will. So if your spouse wants you to quit smoking, and you don’t want to, hypnosis isn’t going to help much. YOU have to want the change.

If you want to lose weight but you don’t want to change your eating habits, forget it.  Hypnosis can help you want to eat healthy and want to get some exercise, when before you didn’t want to do either, but it cannot force you to eat healthy or exercise. So, if you really want to change something in your life, you need to be willing to commit to the change that you desire.

If you have halfheartedly “tried” lots of things in the past and have failed, then your expectation might be that everything you ever “try” is doomed to fail as well. That expectation can be a type of hypnosis. If you continue telling yourself that nothing will ever work for you, then you’re programming your subconscious to make sure nothing works. What the subconscious expects to happen will happen. Don’t use the word “try” when you’re starting something new. That word means you have a psychological way out. You’ll “try” something, and if it doesn’t work, you’ll “try” something else. That way your subconscious mind never becomes convinced that you really want the change. Remember Yoda in Star Wars?  He said, “There is no try. There is only do or not do.” See how that’s such a different mindset? This can save you a lot of time and grief. If you’re not really committed, don’t start it. You’ll just fail again and in doing so, that will program your subconscious even deeper to believe that you can’t do it.

But if you really want to make some changes, enhance your life and increase self esteem, if you really want to get into the mindset and habit of “winning,” then programming your subconscious mind through hypnosis will do it. And as you succeed, the subconscious sees that you are doing it, and that desired behavior then becomes the new habit.

Hypnosis is a pleasant relaxing experience. It is said that a session of hypnosis is worth eight hours of solid sleep. Although hypnosis is not sleep, it might be described as mind awake, body asleep. Some people go very deep, and remember hearing only a few of the suggestions and directions they decided upon for their hypnosis. Others go into a very light relaxed state, but it doesn’t matter–each is highly effective.

In 1958, the American Medical Association approved hypnosis as a medical support tool and in 1960 the American Psychological Association endorsed hypnosis as a branch of psychology. Today, hypnosis is a highly effective medical tool used to relieve pain, assist with preparation for surgery and dentistry, and is widely used to stop smoking, lose weight, reduce stress, address allergies, eliminate PTSD, help increase memory, aid in self esteem, reduce love pain, and assist in dozens of additional health problems or social challenges.

Your subconscious mind is a wonderful resource when you use it to attain what you want. We don’t know everything about the subconscious mind, but science is learning more every day. Right now we know enough so that we can use it to help us live a wonderfully satisfying life of high self esteem–with a real experience of control and empowerment.

References:

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1. Banyan, Calvin and Klein, Gerald. Hypnosis and Hypnotherapy. Abbott Publishing House, 2001.

2. Preston, Michael D. Hypnosis: Medicine of the Mind. Tiger Maple Press, 2001.

3. Simmerman, Tim. Medical Hypnotherapy: Principles and Methods of Practice. Peaceful Planet Press, 2007.

Are you a miser towards your soul? Do you offer it only the crumbs from your table, the loose change in your purse, or the last few minutes of a busy, ego-driven day?

Your soul calls out for change, and you give it two nickels and a dime. It asks you to go to school, and you say you “don’t have time.” It invites you to love but you object, “That’s too risky.” It says “live life with passion,” so you order yourself a whisky. It says “talk with me,” and you say, “You’re my first choice, but tonight is Survivor and tomorrow is The Voice.” It says “let me heal you,” but you say “I can’t afford it.” You want the gift of your soul, but without paying for it. It gives you a dream, and you give it back. Should you carry your heart in a garbage sack?

And then one day you realize you had it all backwards. You put your soul last, when you should have put it first. You set it off to the side, when it should have been at the center. You made it one of many, when it’s the only thing you’ve got.

Have you ever watched helplessly while your “Inner Jerk” took over and made a complete mess out of a situation? Inside each of us lives a family of selves–Professional, Parent, Spouse, Pleaser, and Inner Jerk–to name a few. When one of them acts out, it’s usually a sign they are feeling ignored and rejected.

The concept of sub-personalities is an ancient one and influenced the work of psychological theorists like Freud and Jung. Jung did extensive work on identifying archetypal energies, which universally express themselves in human personalities worldwide. These ideas also influenced the work of gifted family therapists, such as Virginia Satir.

If this sounds like Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), it’s not. Actually MPD is treated by helping the disowned selves to connect and communicate with each other again. The state of our mental health is deeply affected by how well our inner family is getting along, and how aware we are of the dynamics between the various selves. The Voice Dialogue technique, developed by Hal and Sidra Stone, is a simple way to begin the process of getting to know your inner family.

Some real life examples of working with inner selves:

KT, a loving mother, is walking with her son and their four dogs. She’s in a bad mood for no identifiable reason, and the yipping playfulness of her entourage is tromping on her last nerve. They discover a mud puddle–she explodes, yelling at her son and kicking the dogs. Later she realizes what happened: I was being a real jerk. We were supposed to be playing and having fun. Then I suddenly remembered to check myself and there was my Inner Jerk. I pictured myself hugging her, like I’d do for my son if he was having a bad day. The image snapped me out of my funk and I was able to apologize to my son, pat the dogs, laugh at myself and enjoy the rest of the walk.

In processing this later, she discovered she had been ignoring her own need to play in mud puddles. Her Inner Jerk was acting out to get her attention and, as it often happens when we “diss” a part of ourselves, she directed her inner frustration at her loved ones. Her homework assignment for the week was to go play in her own mud puddle.

HJ, a gifted writer, is struggling with a serious case of writer’s block. A deadline is looming and he is staring at a blank screen. He is encouraged to explore his inner selves and finds that his Critic is fighting with his Muse. He is led through a dialogue between the two and makes an interesting discovery, they both want the same thing–quality writing. They each have a role in the process: the Muse creates and the Critic edits. They are fighting for control, leading to the block. The dialogue leads to a fascinating solution. The Critic agrees to step back while the Muse is drafting; the Muse agrees to step back while the Critic is editing.

So, next time you find yourself being an unbearable tyrant, try a little loving on that Inner Jerk. If your inner casts of characters are quarreling, call a timeout and see if you can’t get them to agree on a common goal, even if their means of getting there are different. An interesting side effect of this inner work is it also works marvelously with difficult people. Maybe you can’t bring yourself to hug them, but try softening your heart and see what happens.

References:

1. Satir, Virginia. Your Many Faces. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1978.

2. Jung, Carl G.. Memories, Dreams, Reflections (Aniela Jaffe, Ed.; Richard & Clara Winston, Translators). New York: Random House, 1961.

3. http://www.voice-dialogue-inner-self-awareness.com

There is a religious folksong I learned in church when I was young. The chorus went, “The spirit is a-movin’ all over, all over this land.” It was a perfect accompaniment to the changes taking place in America during the Sixties: the Vietnam War and its protests, women’s liberation, the civil rights movement, and the explosion of rock and roll music.

The Sixties in the U.S. is a tough act to follow. The stage stretched from coast to coast, and the drama was intense, with many subplots. Given all of the fanfare, it is easy to miss the fact that the spirit of God is still moving all over this land. It’s just that it’s off the big stage and down in the trenches now.

The visions of a generation clamoring for love and peace remain largely unfulfilled. And more hippies have become servants of the establishment than most would care to admit. Social movements can be exciting, but they tend to draw people who are more interested in rebelling and protesting rather than actually changing. Real and lasting change comes primarily from within. It takes place when the government you overturn is the government of a constricting ego, and the democracy you achieve is the one that gives voice to your soul.

The spirit is still moving all over this land, and it wants to move in your life. It may not have the drama and audience of the Sixties; its path is more humble, grounded, and personal now. The spirit moved powerfully through Dr. King’s dream, but it now moves just as strongly through yours. It moves through your struggles, your relationships, and your private acts of courage. The dream of the Sixties is not dead; the battle for peace and love is still in its infancy. If you want to be a part of it, and help it grow, you must fight for it as an individual, by bringing love and consciousness to your own life and soul.

References:

1. Landry, Carey and Kinghorn, Carol Jean (1969). The Spirit Is A-Movin’.

Andy Drymalski, EdD, is a licensed psychologist and Jungian psychologist in Reno and Carson City. 

There are many things one might say is happening to you during meditation, but basically this is what researchers have found: your brain changes, your blood chemistry changes, your stress level goes down, your muscles relax, your blood pressure decreases, your heartbeat slows, and your sense of well-being increases. Not bad for just a short twenty minutes.

In fact, meditation gives you the ability to focus. The result is a type of mental coherence that isn’t easy to achieve in other ways. This coherence seems to create mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health for long-time meditators.

Some actually describe the meditation experience as being in a nonlocal state of consciousness, where space and time are just informational enrichers, not limitations. They experience a timeless, spaceless connection to something greater. All the martial arts employ this component of mindful discipline; which is a practice of focusing intentional awareness. We call these various focusing practices meditation.

Of all the things you can do to understand yourself and move higher into self-actualization, nothing will serve you as well as developing the habit of meditation.  Although the practice of meditation is typically thought of as being associated with Asian cultures, it is not Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim and can be done with no spiritual component whatsoever.

The role of meditation in stress reduction is well known. This practice is also becoming increasingly common as a way to treat chronic illnesses, such as the pain caused by arthritis. Meditation is also being taught because of its effectiveness in helping troops to cope with the horrors of modern warfare, and to recover from the posttraumatic stress disorder which afflicts so many thousands of returning vets.

In fact, meditation has entered the Marine Corps. The kind of meditation the Marines were taught, a kind of non-sectarian focusing, has been shown to make a big difference in lowering stress,    increasing the power of memory, as well as improving one’s capacity for empathy. Practitioners have long claimed that meditation provides cognitive as well as psychological benefits, and seems to prove that people are not just feeling better because they’re spending more time relaxing. The brain is actually being changed.

Over a thousand papers, and many books, on meditation have been published in the last ten years, describing studies that show meditation provides measurable progress in alleviating many varied physical challenges. During these years of research, it has become abundantly clear that meditation has lasting effects on our neuroanatomy, particularly our brains. Long-term meditation, independent of a specific style or practice, seems to add grey matter to different parts of the brain, literally physically changing the brain.

One thing to expect: People, who use any meditation technique regularly over time, tend to change their world view. They come to feel that they’re not alone, that all life is interconnected and interdependent, and that this network of life, including them, is connected to something profoundly good; something greater than themselves.

There are many types and methods of meditation. You should have no trouble finding one that resonates with you. Also, there are local meditation classes, so if you feel that you want some immediate instruction, join a class. You may benefit in ways you cannot even imagine.

References:

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1.  Kenyon, Tom. Brain States. World Tree Press. 2001.

2.  McGreevy S. Mindfulness Meditation Training Changes Brain Structure in 8 Weeks.  Massachusetts General Hospital Newsletter January 21, 2011

3.  Vestergaard-Poulsen P., Van Beek M., Skewes J. Long-Term Meditation is Associated with Increased Gray Matter Density in the Brain Stem. Neuroreport 2009;20: 170-174.

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For more info, contact June Milligan, specializing in hypnosis, trauma therapy and helping people let go of dysfunctional thinking at (775) 786-9111, or visit online at www.joyfulchanges.com.

It’s been said that “the life you live is the life you get.” This is good to keep in mind when you are feeling discouraged or facing a difficult decision. It’s not always easy to do the right thing, but it can make a world of difference when you do.

“The life you live is the life you get” may seem like just another way of talking about karma. Be kind to others and life will be kind to you in return. But, it often doesn’t work out that way, at least over the short term. Kindness isn’t always returned with kindness, and evil preys on the “good” and the “bad” alike.

“The life you live is the life you get” means that how you live your life determines its quality and depth. Live the life of the soul and you get the life of the soul. Live the life of the ego and you get the life of the ego. And the two are not equal in value.

Your soul carries the values and calling that form the very core of your being. When you serve your soul, you honor your true nature and discover your destiny. You become the unique individual you were created to be. When you live from this spiritual core your emotions, be they happy or sad, connect to something deeper in yourself than your ego. Life is experienced as having depth, quality and substance.

Your ego, on the other hand, is a plastic thing. Its relevance lies only in what it serves. Left to its own devices, disconnected from your soul, it yields shallow relationships and accomplishments, a caricature of life rather than life itself. Your joy is skin deep, and your tears do not heal unless they come from your soul.

The quality and depth of life come from the way you live it. There is no need to wait for karma to affirm your path. The life you live is the life you get, right now, in real time.

We think of luck as something that we either have or don’t have. You’ve heard people say, “I’m just not lucky” and you may have said it yourself. But luck is a combination of attitude and expectation. We attract our own “luck” with our own thoughts and emotions. And how long does a run of “good luck” last? Until we believe we’ve had enough. What? You may think, “Why would I stop my own run of good luck?” Consciously you probably don’t. But subconsciously, you may stop it with your hidden or not-so-hidden attitudes, beliefs, expectations and worst of all…old stories! Or you may block it from ever happening in the first place.

Here is a little background on the matter. The highly acclaimed physicist, Niels Bohr, in his study of subatomic events, discovered that even unrelated events contain a hidden connectedness. He and other physicists found that when an electron wasn’t being observed, it stopped being a particle and became a wave, which means that everything we look at in our mind’s eye turns to matter or becomes real if we continue to focus on it. What you notice is what you get. What you think about with emotion is coming toward you now. We have a buffer of time in this physical life; maybe so that we can decide what we really want before it hits us in the face. If we could instantly manifest what we’re thinking about, it would be even more chaotic around here than it is now. So that buffer of time is probably a good thing.

The thought is the engine and the emotion is the fuel. The way you see things becomes the non-verbal message bearer. You have the innate ability to influence and to attract anything you really want. It depends on what you focus on. You have the ability to be “lucky” or “unlucky.” It all depends on what window of expectation you choose to look through. Therefore you have the power to create your own “luck.”

We are drawn toward our greatest hopes or our greatest fears. The side with the most emotion, belief and expectation is the determining factor in creating our reality. That’s why people who have no clear-cut goals tend to magnetize their fears. They create a subconscious situation in which their choices lead to “bad luck.”  “Lucky” people are so focused on their dreams and goals that their fears and worries are simply overshadowed, not focused on. So luck is a science, not something that happens to us without our input. But very “lucky” people, in other words, those who win often in life, make it an art form. They are conscious of what they’re thinking, conscious of their attitude, their expectations, their beliefs about important subjects, and they probably have also developed their intuition and inner knowing to a high degree.

Scientists have learned that consciousness is a subtle form of matter.When we think about something we actually reach out and touch it with our minds. We visualize what we want, attracting it to us through our thoughts and emotions. We make it real with our visualizations. We function as a powerful magnet. Our thoughts don’t stay in our heads…they beam out and influence everything around us.  If we could see a radio or TV signal, it would look somewhat like our thoughts, since both are vibrational frequencies. However, our eyes weren’t designed to pick up that kind of fast-moving vibration.  But just because we can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. We can only hear a certain range of vibrations, too. Dogs and other animals can hear vibrational frequencies that we can’t.

Everything is energy. Everything is vibrating at a certain frequency. Every organ in our body has its own vibrational frequency. That’s why different types of energy medicine, coupled with intention, can heal. Every emotion has a different vibrational frequency also. The emotions of love, appreciation, empowerment, freedom, and joy have completely different vibrational frequencies than fear, grief, despair and powerlessness. We attract what we’re vibrating, what we’re expecting, what we’re talking about, what we’re noticing, what we’re focusing on. Then we call what comes to us “good luck” or “bad luck” when we’re actually doing it ourselves. Luck is an inside job.

Try this powerful exercise: Is there someone you would like to have a better relationship with? Then each morning, get a clean sheet of paper and write down their positive aspects. Is it a boss that doesn’t seem to appreciate you, a spouse or relative with whom you have challenges? Write down all the positive aspects of that person, but none of the things that aggravate or frustrate you. Even if you can come up with only three or four, write them down, while truly appreciating those qualities, then throw the paper away. The next morning, do the same thing. Stop telling the old stories, stop focusing on what isn’t going right, just become focused on what you want, or don’t think about it at all. Then the next morning, write down the positive aspects of that person again. Continue this for at least a week and you will surely see a difference in how that person responds to you. Why is that? It is because the invisible vibrational frequencies of appreciation are beaming out from you. Their subconscious mind is picking them up. They may not understand why they feel differently about you, but you will notice a difference. Keep this to yourself. You don’t have to tell everything you do! In fact, the more often you keep your own counsel about what you’re thinking and feeling, the more you retain your personal power.

Some people who can focus consistently on what they want become very intuitional. They watch. They notice. They listen to their gut feelings. An emotion has a different feel than does an intuition. Intuition is subtle, you have to get used to that subtle nudge. You can cultivate that feeling by paying attention when you get it, no matter how subtle, and acting on it; and then saying, “Thank you” even if you don’t know what or whom you’re thanking. It’s important to acknowledge your intuition, your inner knowing. Being consciously appreciative just boosts all your powers, including your “luck-generating” power. It’s all an inside job.

Numerous studies of very sensitive people reveal that their bodies emit high levels of electromagnetic energy and infrared emissions. Dr. William Tiller (who was one of the physicists featured in What The Bleep Do We Know?) states, “The human body is not just a chemical and electrical machine. The human body is a light machine.”  Scientists have found that photons (particles of light) excite atoms.  So, if we are light machines, emitting light in the form of thoughts and emotions, we have the ability to alter matter and circumstances. As we increase the power of our intention, we create a lens through which we can focus the invisible photons of ultraviolet light onto objects and events, and therefore influence their outcome. We are powerful creators, but we haven’t been taught that. It’s time we take our power back, focus on what we want, and become “lucky” through our own thoughts, beliefs and expectations. It’s an inside job! No one is in charge of your “luck” except you! Get started today!

References:

1. Wolf, Dr. Fred Alan. Dr. Quantum’s Little Book of Big Ideas: Where Science Meets Spirit. Moment Point Press. 2005.

2. Richfield, Robert. The Power of Coincidence: Discover the Science of Luck and Spontaneous Manifestation. Booksurge Books. 2010.

Contrast (the difference between what you want and what you have) is necessary in order for you to get real clear about what you really do want. If there was no contrast, how would you know what you prefer?

Preferences are being born within you every moment as you walk through life. Identifying what you want to do, and who you want to interact with is easy. It’s determined by how you feel when you think about it. Does it feel good or bad? Your built-in emotional guidance system will tell you what you really want–then it’s up to you to consciously take action to make that happen. But, getting clear about what you want is the first step.

For many years, you may have been told that you can’t have what you want because you can’t afford it, or because you don’t have the smarts, the training or the necessary opportunities. They’ve said you might as well “settle for” what you have and stop making yourself miserable by wanting something different. Society, culture or family may have programmed you to believe that what you want is really out of reach.

But is it? Can you see yourself doing it? Can you feel how you would feel if you were living it? Thoughts are things, and beam out beyond our bony skulls to affect everything around us–especially thoughts accompanied by emotion. They attract to us the people, conditions and situations that can make our dream come true or prevent it from ever coming true. However, most of us engage in such chaotic thinking that we’re sending out opposite signals instead of focused intentions of what we really want. Our thoughts are mostly disorganized, flitting from one subject to another and therefore attracting more chaos and disorganization.

We think about 50,000 thoughts each day, but they’re almost always the same thoughts. As a result, we create the same day over and over. In the process, our lives go by, while we experience mostly boredom or mediocrity. If you don’t like what’s going on in your life right now, you can begin to change it by consciously focusing on what you do want–by pivoting your mind to a clear picture of what you want to experience, instead of thinking the same old thoughts, telling the same old stories or focusing on what you don’t like about your life.

That emotion you feel when you’re thinking unhappy thoughts is your emotional guidance system clicking in. That discord, that feeling of frustration or aggravation is telling you what’s coming! The emotions you feel in response to your thoughts are a quick clue to what you’re attracting, and therefore what will be showing up in your life, depending on how often you think those thoughts. Wow! A built-in guidance system you’ve had all your life, but didn’t know how to use? Well, better to know about this late than never!

Okay, so how do I change what I’m attracting? Change your thoughts. Decide on a goal so juicy and delicious that when you think of it, it’s strong enough to override the usual tapes that repeat in your head. Focus on it; smell it; feel it, hear it, see it. Use colors and shapes, spatial relationships, and feel how it would feel to experience it! Remember, desire is the engine, but emotion is the fuel. Use positive emotion to attract your dream even faster. Regularly pivot your mind to what you do want, focus on it as often as possible every day and leave the complaining and negative stories behind. Appreciate the positive qualities, situations and people in your life now. And take some physical action every day to make your dream come true. Some little (or big) action that will propel you further along on the track toward what you want.

If you’re really serious about reaching your goals, you’ll have to leave most distractions behind. Are you watching too much TV, associating with negative people, overeating or drinking too much? Those are all immediate gratification, or “habit” distractions. Leave the “bread and circuses” behind. Focus only on what you want, appreciate the positives in your life and take action every day.

The following story is a perfect example of someone who made a fabulous life out of a miserable start:

An out-of-work and broke actor once drove to the top of the hill that overlooks Hollywood. As he gazed over the movie lots, he reminisced about his hard life as a teenager, when he went to high school in the daytime and then worked as a janitor in a factory at night. Then there was the time his family was forced from their home and had to live out of a VW camper van. He refocused his attention into the present moment, and then did something really provocative: he wrote himself a check for ten million dollars! On it he wrote, “For services rendered as an actor” and forward-dated it five years. He then carried that check with him everywhere to remind himself of his goal, and then simply got on with doing what he loved most: acting!

Five years later, on the very date that he had written on his check, that young actor was earning well beyond ten million for each film that he starred in. And the name on that check? Jim Carrey.

Not everyone is into millions of dollars or lots of bling, but you can use the same tools he did to reach your goal. Just decide what you want, focus on the goal instead of the negatives, appreciate your talents and abilities, take some action toward your dream every day, and you can be, do and have what you want too!

References:

1.  Harrington, Paul. The Secret to Teen Power. Simon and Schuster. 2009.

2.  Hicks, Esther and Jerry. Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires. Hay House. 2005.

I know, I know. It is February, the month of love and Valentine’s Day. So, why am I writing about the right time to end a relationship?

This is the perfect time to clarify what you want in your relationship. Valentine’s Day can offer you an opportunity to pause and reflect more deeply on your life. Either affirm your intention to enjoy and celebrate your relationship, or get straight with yourself and your partner that your relationship is not working, and it is time to end it.

Maybe you simply aren’t sure one way or the other. So, how do you know which way to go? Love has us experience an intense physical attraction, changes in our brain chemistry, and a profound psychological state of longing for the other person. In our ancestral past, love served to ensure that we would mate, conceive, and stay together in a harsh environment long enough to care for our weak and dependent offspring. So are our relationships and experience of love today only dictated by this ancient chemistry?

Artists, psychologists, writers, philosophers, and the rest of humanity, have been trying to define love for as long as we have felt it. We know that we can have familial love, platonic love, religious love, and we can create love–love for our country, our career, our community, and others. Greeks managed to define “what is love” into four types: agape: unconditional love; eros: passionate love; philia: love and loyalty for your friends, family and community; and storge: natural affection for your family.

So what are we talking about when we talk about “falling in love”?

Most popular songs croon about it, half of our books and films obsess over it, and everybody wants it. Most of us have had the experience that on one hand, falling in love can lift us up; on the other, it can destroy us.

Psychologists describe this kind of falling in love as having three components: desire, passion, and intimacy.  In order to move from “falling in love” into a thriving, successful relationship I assert there are two more elements needed commitment and compatibility.  Commitment is deciding, dedicating, applying, devoting and promising to create a thriving successful relationship. Compatibility means having affinity, closeness, harmony, rapport, and empathy for the other person. The long term success of experiencing love in your relationship will be in direct proportion to being committed to, and compatible with, the person that you have fallen in love with.

This brings us back to the question, “When is it time to end a relationship?” First and foremost, your relationship should add to the quality of your life. If you are ambivalent about your relationship, it means your relationship is sick. How sick is it?

I highly recommend that couples ask themselves these questions:

1. Are you fighting most of the time? Do you feel continuously frustrated about your relationship? (This is not about whose fault it is–are you unhappy more than you are happy in this relationship?)
2. Do you have goals that are incompatible? If there is no resolution to your incompatible goals then it will be impossible for you to have a fulfilling relationship no matter how much you love them. Example: If you want children and your partner doesn’t, your relationship is headed for trouble.
3. Are you being abused mentally (your partner is constantly telling you that you are a failure, no good, belittling you, etc.); emotionally (is your partner routinely cold or angry, yelling, calling you names, not respecting you or your boundaries, etc.); or physically (does your partner threaten violence, strike you, throw things, etc.).  If you answer yes to any part of this question, I highly recommend that you end this relationship. Being in an abusive relationship will cost you your self-worth, and could possibly cost you your life.
4. Are you finding more reasons to spend time apart, and more pleasure being apart than together?
5. Are you changing your core values, beliefs and goals to accommodate your partner, or to please them? Are you living in hope that your relationship will stop being problematic?
6. Are you constantly changing your appearance to please your partner–hoping they will approve of you, or find you attractive?
7. Can you communicate without bickering, arguing or fighting? Is there respect and listening in your relationship?
8. Do you have fun and mutual dreams for the future with your partner?
9. Are you habitually chasing after your partner with no reciprocity? Do you have a growing feeling of emptiness about your life?

When you ask yourself these questions, you can see if your relationship is enhancing your life, or draining it. At the very least, you should be happier in your relationship than outside of it.

A sick relationship can be worked on and transformed. However, both partners need to be willing to commit to work on it and put in the effort. If one partner in the relationship does not admit or recognize the problem that the other partner has brought up, finding a solution will be nearly impossible. It is essential to any healthy relationship that each person in the relationship be able to see and understand their partner’s point of view or side of the argument. This willingness and ability will allow for greater affinity, love, and understanding in the relationship.

Often, when someone has strong feelings of love for their partner they think it is better to ignore the problems in the relationship. Usually the problems get worse. Eventually the problems will have to be dealt with, or the people in the relationship will be miserable. Don’t wait for the problems in your relationship to get severe enough to show you that the relationship is over–that is the hard way to do it. You can love someone and not have it be in your best interest to stay in the relationship. Is your relationship enhancing your life?

One last thought: Don’t let yourself be confused about whether or not you should leave your current relationship, with whether or not you might find a new relationship. If it’s clear that your current relationship should end, as painful as it might be, have the courage to end it–endings always offer up new beginnings.

“Relationships – of all kinds – are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.
The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers.
You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled.
A relationship is like that.
Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact.
But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”  Kilem Hasmate

References:

1. Richo, David. How to Be an Adult in Relationships: the Five Keys to Mindful Loving. Shambhala. 2002.

2. Kirshenbaum, Mira. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Plume. 1997.

Is it true that as a culture we are suffering from a lack of true commitment in our intimate relationships? One could look at the divorce rate, estimated to be as high as 50 percent, or recent statistics that show more couples are choosing to live together than to marry. Could the reasoning for the latter be to facilitate an easier exit, generated by an apathetic attitude about whether the relationship works or not: a sort of easy-come-easy-go lethargy? Well, yes, that is one possibility of intent. It could very well be that these statistics reflect more superficial unions that are not given serious consideration and dedication. Maybe we are not the nation of nose-to-the-grindstone, focused, motivated, deeply committed people we once were, like during “the greatest generation.”

Then again, maybe it is not that black and white. Perhaps one significantly positive angle on this is that fear and judgment are just a bit less influential in our choices than they used to be. It is hard to imagine that the low divorce rate of 100 years ago was an absolute mirror reflection of multitudes of happy, healthy marriages. There is no question that social mores served as a harsh accuser, rendering the option of questioning or altering our commitments far less desirable–even damning.

Some would argue that our enhanced freedom to choose whether or not we remain in an intimate relationship has caused more harm than good, resulting in increased instability and social ills. Again, there is ample evidence to support this dismal viewpoint.

At the same time, if you look very closely, you may be able to recognize that the current relationship trends have the potential to embody compelling positive aspects. We may be moving toward being more “inner” than “outer” directed. That disposition, when combined with deep compassion for self and others, can result in even unimaginable positive outcomes, such as a “peace that passes understanding.”

For example, a marriage or partnership dissolution sometimes puts an end to generations-long, intractable patterns of discord, or even abuse that only served to weaken its participants. Other times, the perception of dedicated commitment is a façade, and one or both of the couple is not willing to be disingenuous any longer.

Commitment does fortify whatever is its focus. It is a fundamentally necessary ingredient for personal and collective accomplishment and stability. It has been said that “the unexamined life is not worth living.” It may be equally true that the unexamined commitment may be stagnant, inflexible, and not in our highest good. The natural arrhythmia of an optimally functioning human heart is believed to allow flexibility for the ebb and flow of changing physical conditions. So do humans function most efficiently when routinely re-evaluating the nature of what they are committed to and making adjustments as needed?

Healthy commitment begs the questions: Am I acquiescing to a “should” not of my own making, determined by others whose guidance and moral compass is only equal to my own? Am I constricting to make myself fit with the confines of this commitment? Or, am I authentically choosing, lifting my vision up like a giraffe to soak in the wide-angle view, and to choose who and what I will be committed to accordingly? It is about going into the unchartered territory of less programing and increased consciousness. Just maybe, we have untapped potential for making things infinitely better that was unavailable to discern until we learned to tune in to and trust our internal guidance. For most of us, this is an acquired skill that requires serious consideration to develop.

“Perhaps we are always looking for the secret, the gold-mine, the G-spot because we are afraid of the real G-word: Growth – and the energy it requires of us.” - Author Kelly Bryson

Like every other facet of life on our spectacular planet, our commitments are in a state of flux and require conscious re-evaluation and fine-tuning. Is your commitment worth the effort?

May your process, wherever it is taking you, bring you abundant love and light through the power of your authentic and heart-felt commitments.

References:

1. Weil, Andrew, MD. Spontaneous Happiness. Little, Brown and Company. 2011.

2. Bryson, Kelly, MFT. Don’t Be Nice, Be Real. Elite Books. 2010.

3. Burns, David D., MD. Intimate Connections. New American Library. 1985.

The older I get, the faster time seems to progress. It was just New Year’s Day 2012, and it seems like just a short time ago it was New Year’s Day 2011. Intellectually, I know that there have been many days in-between, and yet, in terms of memories and feelings, it was just yesterday. What accounts for this time warp that I have heard many older people describe as well?

Towards the end of his life Carl Jung reflected that his memories were whittled down to the experiences that most profoundly impacted his life and his understanding of himself. The extraneous particulars and chronological sequences faded into the background, while the events of spiritual and psychological significance rose like islands above an ever-moving sea.

Our lives on this earth are temporary, just a grain of sand on the ocean shores of eternity. What is time to you or me? So many tics on a clock or years passing by? Do these things really mean that much to us in the end? It seems that they don’t since this very linear sense of time crumbles, like a sand castle among the waves, the older we get.

Time is the river that both forms and reveals the landscape of your true self. Time is the heartbeat of your soul.

Reviewed for Healthy Beginnings Magazine By June Milligan, M.Ed., CCHt |

Paul Harrington is the producer of the phenomenally successful movie “The Secret.” The movie went viral and became a worldwide sensation, with no advertising except word of mouth. Paul’s daughter then asked her dad to do something for teens, to be written in their language and to present examples of teen successes they could relate to. This book is the result.

After the movie became such a success, and messages from people all over the world who were using the Law of Attraction began to pour into the website, the author began collecting letters from teenagers. A big part of this book is personal success stories from students age thirteen through nineteen.  The power of your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs and expectations attract to you the people, conditions and situations that you are experiencing. As a teenager you may think you don’t have much control over your life, and it is true that you’re still dependent upon your folks for shelter, most of your food and even most of your physical freedom. But within those parameters, you make most of your own choices.  And you have the freedom to think what you choose 24/7.

Some chapters in this book include What’s the Big Secret, The Secret Made Simple, How to Use the Secret, Powerful Processes, The Secret to Money and the Secret to Relationships. Each chapter gives down-to-earth processes, examples and quotes regarding these subjects. In fact, the processes in this book are much simpler and easier to understand than the ones in Rhonda Byrne’s book, The Secret. I feel that if adults read this book first, it would serve as an excellent introduction to the Law of Attraction.

For instance, in the chapter How to Use the Secret, the author explains that when you ask for what you want, you’re basically placing an order. Then it’s important to believe that it’s coming your way. How do you make yourself believe? By acting as if you already have whatever it is you want. A belief is just a thought repeated over and over, so pretend your desires are already here. The more you do this, the more you really believe it. Now you’re ready to receive it. And when you feel the way you would feel when you finally do get whatever it is you want: that is the key. The desire is the engine but the emotion, the feeling is the fuel. So, you ask and believe through your thoughts, but you receive through your actions. When you get the impulse to act, you’ll take inspired action, and that makes all the difference. Martin Luther King said, “Take the first step in faith.  You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.”

The author explains that so many people live for tomorrow instead of today. It’s as if life begins when you get your driver’s license, or when you graduate or move away from your parents. It is all when, when, when…but that’s not living today. A huge part of the secret is that all of your power is concentrated today, in this moment, this very instant, right now. What you think about the most, or focus on the most right now, will turn up as your life in the future. It’s like “payback from not so way back.” In other words, you can’t be angry and frustrated today and expect things to improve tomorrow. Focus on today, feel good now, and be clear about what you want for the future, because that’s the only way your dreams of tomorrow come true.

Paul Harrington says, “Teens around the world need to understand the power they have over their own destiny so they can go confidently out into the world and create a life that’s nothing short of a masterpiece!” This book is an excellent first step to realizing your dreams.

Have you heard the phrase “fear of commitment”? What comes to mind? Typically, it congers up images of an individual who chooses to remain detached from serious involvement with another, either emotionally, physically, financially or all-together.

One word stands out in Webster’s definition of “commit”: ENTRUST. It would not be difficult to make a case for reticence to commit tracing back to a lack of trust. And if it is true that our fears are really originating in us rather than in anything outside of us, we can further deduce that fear of commitment symbolizes a lack of trust in ourselves. Author Stephen M.R. Covey writes, “Often we make commitments to ourselves–such as setting goals or making New Year’s resolutions–that we fail to fulfill.  As a result, we come to feel that we can’t even fully trust ourselves. If we can’t trust ourselves, we’ll have a hard time trusting others. This personal incongruence is often the source of our suspicions of others.”

Believe it or not, that is the good news, for whatever is within us is ours to seek and discover, to unravel and endeavor to shift. That brand of fear, after all, is life-constricting in the personal limitations it imposes.

There is an understandable pause in the consideration of commitment, as “committing to one path in life carries with it occasional grieving about what was not chosen.” Maybe we bristle at the thought of limiting our options? There are two contrasting components to commitment; dedication and constraint. If there is personal passion in the dedication, it drives us forward, even joyfully and energetically toward our objective. Like having a “runners high,” we pursue with exuberance.

Perhaps where we struggle is with the concept of constraint. If I am committed to this, then I can neither do nor have that. If I am committed to being in good physical shape, then there are “sacrifices” I may need to make, like not giving into my heart’s desire of sitting in front of the television 12 hours a day eating Twinkies. If I am committed to monogamy with this partner then I deny myself the pleasure of physical intimacy with others. “Commitment and the value of choice as expressed in our culture are often in a fundamental conflict.  You cannot commit to one thing or person while keeping all of your choices open to you.  Commitments go against the grain of our culture because commitments come with limits.  Many people don’t want to accept limits.” After all, don’t we want our lives to be completely full, unfettered, out of the box and downright limitless?!

Paradoxically, the act of sincere commitment might be just the way to get there. We cannot go in all directions at once or our effectiveness will be utterly diluted. Wherever you look, whatever quality of life you see around you will be a testament to what a person is committed to. Ask anyone what they are committed to and you will know more about their character than any other query could provide. Notice how consistent their life is with what they are committed to and you will have a direct window into either their happiness or their misery. Making and honoring sincere and authentic commitments, especially to our selves, is nothing less than the key to joy and fulfilling our life purpose.

Perhaps it is the very constraints/limitations that challenge us in our thirst for immediate gratification that result in propelling us into ultimately maximizing our gratification in any given situation or relationship. Gary Zukav writes in The Seat of the Soul that “authentic empowerment is not gained by making choices that do not stretch you…When a soul chooses the vertical path, when it chooses to evolve consciously through responsible choice, it becomes capable of liberating itself from its own negativities.”

Commitment provides just such opportunity for conscious development and growth. Starting out the New Year by taking a thoughtful look at the nature of your commitments could serve to be both illuminating and encouraging.

References:

1. Stanley, Scott, Ph.D. The Heart of Commitment. Thomas Nelson Publishers. 1984

2. Covey, Stephen M.R. and Merrill, Rebecca R. The Speed of Trust. FREE PRESS, a division of Simon & Schuster. 2006.

3. Zukav, Gary. The Seat of the Soul. A FIRESIDE BOOK Published by Simon & Schuster. 1989.

Three things happen when you think a thought. The first is that the vibrational frequency of that thought, like a radio signal, travels out into this energy soup we live in (which physicists call the “field of all probabilities”) and attracts back to you the people, conditions and situations that match the thought. That same thought also gives you the emotions to match, and your emotions drive your words and actions. Your words and actions then go to make up your life.

The second thing that happens when you think a thought is the vibrational frequency of that thought goes from your conscious mind into your subconscious mind. The subconscious can’t tell the difference between real and pretend, so it “thinks” that thought you’re thinking has happened again today, and gives you the emotions to match. Even if the event you’re thinking about happened years ago, or even if it’s an imagined situation of what might happen in the future, the subconscious mind sees it as happening again right now and automatically gives you the emotions to match. All of us have had the experience of remembering something, then automatically feeling the same emotions we felt back when.

The third thing that happens when you think a thought is the vibrational frequency of that thought–which is different from every other thought–floods all 50 trillion of your cells, and causes that pharmaceutical company inside your body to manufacture chemicals and hormones that match the thought. If you’re thinking happy positive thoughts your body manufactures endorphins (the pain killing hormone) and serotonin (the feel-good hormone). But, if your thoughts are negative or worried, your body manufactures cortisol (the stress hormone). Cortisol and adrenalin were not designed to be coursing through your body for more than a few moments. It was very effective when you needed to run from the saber-toothed tiger, but it’s not so effective when you just got criticized in the office or disrespected by someone you love. Why? Because it isn’t socially acceptable nowdays to run screaming down the street because you’re stressed. So you just sit where you are, trapped in the office or behind the wheel of a car–while that cortisol sits in your cells, damaging them and compromising your immune system. Using your long leg muscles to run, or using quick acupressure techniques will dissipate the cortisol and relieve your stress, but most people don’t know that. So you “tough it out,” while your body is being attacked from within.

Of course the natural reaction to the thought of being criticized or disrespected is emotional. You feel shocked or angry, resentful or sad. Then those emotions drive your words and actions. Since your “socially appropriate” filters make it unlikely that you’ll run madly around the office, out of the building and down the street, you may say things that will come back to haunt you. In the meantime your thoughts are shooting out like rockets creating a storm of negativity everywhere you go, until you somehow work the cortisol out of your system and calm down. In the meantime, your fight or flight system has logged the experience in as something you need to remember in order to “keep you safe.”  So, every time you think of it, you get the same emotions (hopefully a little less intense) that you did at the time of the actual event. Whew! What complex creatures we are. What most of us don’t know is that there’s a built-in system we’ve had since birth to soothe and calm ourselves in times of distress.

Then you drive home. Traffic seems insane. Drivers are even crazier than usual. You get cut off and you have a reaction far more intense than you would have if that earlier negative incident had never happened. Things may irritate you all evening. The kids, spouse and pets immediately get the picture, even if you don’t say anything because of the thoughts and the resulting emotions you’re silently and automatically projecting.

Thoughts are things, and they aren’t that private. We think that our bony skull is stopping our thoughts and keeping them in our heads. Nope. Just like radio and TV signals, which easily travel through walls, your thoughts are beaming out into the universe. Clairvoyants and empaths can often tell exactly what other people are thinking and feeling. And even if you haven’t developed that skill, you get “impressions” all the time about what other people are thinking, intending, expecting or even believing. You are getting “vibes,” bits of “intuition.” You are getting information that’s zooming back and forth between humans, animals and even plants. Plants?

Remember the studies that were done in the ‘80s regarding the stress that plants registered when the person standing near them was thinking of setting them on fire? Researchers from Michigan State University found that plants have a rudimentary nerve structure, which allows them to feel pain.  They seem to be capable of identifying danger, signaling that danger to other plants, and even marshaling defenses against perceived threats. Why should humans be capable of any less?

It’s time for us to realize just how powerful our thoughts are, and to begin consciously thinking about what we want rather than what we don’t want. Often, when we first learn about positive thinking or the Law of Attraction, we try it for a while then decide it doesn’t work. What most of us are doing is thinking about the absence of what we have, rather than thinking about having it, living it, enjoying it. Therefore we’re attracting more of what we don’t have. Some people call it the Law of Resonance, meaning whatever vibrational frequencies we’re sending out (what we’re thinking, expecting, and believing) we’re getting back. You can see it in your own life. What you’re afraid of trying, you don’t do. And as a result of those thoughts of somehow not being safe, either socially, emotionally or physically, should you step out and do something different, fear crops up. Fear is an unpleasant emotion, so we just don’t think about that plan anymore. We fold in upon ourselves and “settle for.” We don’t think thoughts of outrageous success or the perfect relationship or adventurous travel any more. We think “settle for” thoughts, and therefore attract to ourselves the people, conditions and situations that will help to continue our life the way it is.

We are magnificent spiritual beings–living in these amazing miracle-like bodies with the ability and free will to experience the deliciousness of being physical. We have the ability to attract what we most want–to actually manifest it, if we use some simple tools and have the courage and determination to take some small steps and learn the ropes. The first step is to be aware of our thinking, for thoughts are things and have great power.

References:

Lipton, Dr. Bruce. The Biology of Belief – Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter and Miracles. Mountain of Love/Elite Books, 2005.

Pert, Dr. Candace B. Molecules of Emotion – The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine. Simon & Schuster, 1999.

Hicks, Esther & Jerry. The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent – Living the Art of Allowing. Hay House, 2006.

Like most of us, Cheryl was searching. She was searching to find herself, her “home.” But she got lost along the way.

When a promotion at work made her more depressed rather than less, Cheryl went on an antidepressant. It helped with her sleep and gave her more energy. But it also allowed her to tolerate a job she really didn’t like. “That’s why I got depressed in the first place,” she reflected, “and why the depression just got worse when I got promoted. Deep down, I didn’t like what I was doing, but I didn’t want to admit this. The medication made my job doable, but I felt like I was a thousand miles from my home.”

So much of modern life stresses quickness and expediency. We want to take the shortest distance between our problems and their solutions, between our symptoms and their disappearance. We tend to equate symptom relief with healing, yet they are not the same. Real healing means to move towards wholeness. And you don’t become whole by moving away from your soul.

“I’m getting closer to my home,” is an uplifting verse in the Grand Funk Railroad song, “I’m Your Captain.” The song is about a man’s journey to find his spiritual home. When you follow your destiny you come closer to your home, your soul, and there is nothing more important in life than this. It is this path that develops your unique gifts and potential, brings you into relationship with those you are meant to be with, and fills your life with passion and purpose. When you make decisions in your life, the most important question you need to ask is “which path will bring me closer to my home?” When you determine that path, follow it.