by Terry Lowey, MFT |
This article is a continuation from the December article “How and Why we Lie,” and addresses the idea of creating genuine community. The manipulation of financial markets or “Good ole boy code” or “What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” or “Do as I say not as I do,” are all cultural beliefs we were raised with that are based on lies. This country and our American culture was founded on ideas, such as Honesty, Truth, Liberty and Justice, Integrity for all.
Truth telling is at the core of your relationship with yourself, with others, with community, with how you interact with Life on every level. It is about being honest about the way you see life unfolding, down to the smallest detail. Why? Honesty is a primary and necessary ingredient to maximizing human potential – that ensures a genuinely happy, meaningful and productive life – to living life to the fullest. “Honesty imbues lives with openness, reliability, and candor; it expresses a disposition to live in the light…Take it seriously. Take recognition of the fact that honesty is a fundamental condition for human intercourse and exchange, for friendship, for all genuine community,” Bennett.
The profound and far-reaching way in which dishonesty affects us was recently reflected on an episode of Oprah. Veronica is a healthy 16 year old whose mother and older brother are battling a years-long addiction to prescription medication. As we covered in the December 2009 article, lying has strong addictive qualities and comparable consequences. When Veronica was asked how she responds to her mother or brother talking to her, she said that she hears the words but that she can see or feel no heart behind them; this renders their words meaningless and lifeless to her. This wise insight sums up what happens when we lie. We violate our heart and those whose perception is acute will recognize this and feel the invalidation. Even with little or no insight, the lie will be noted on an unconscious level, communicating what is not real and that which falls flat when compared to the truth.
Aren’t there situations when lying is necessary, you might ask? Yes, even morally compelling, such as Ann Franks parents lying to the Nazi’s at the front door, with a family of Jews hiding in the attic; or the battered woman who secretly plans an escape. When there is a high probability that someone will hurt you or others if you tell the truth, there would be convincing reason to lie. However, if you choose to stay in such a situation when there are possible ways out, the lies will end up degrading your life and will further enable the negative behavior of others. With few exceptions, lies create murkiness and debase quality of life.
Another important consideration in truth-telling is compassion. While neither sugar-coating nor beating around the bush are optimum assertive approaches, healthy and effective honesty is not rude or inconsiderate. Although willing to risk discomfort, it does not arrogantly insist on being ‘right’ and is thoughtful of the alternate positions of others. At the same time, “When others try to keep us comfortable by sanitizing feedback, or ‘being nice’ they do us a disservice: We’re deprived of crucial information we need to improve,” Goleman.
While this may sound like common sense or at least common knowledge to many, there is increasing evidence that the morality of honesty is incrementally diminishing in our culture. The renowned Dr. Mehmet Oz states that the reason that our country is experiencing epidemic addiction to medications is that Americans can’t handle pain and go to great lengths to escape it. Again, this is true of why we lie, as well. This, in turn can be directly linked to our propensity toward immediate gratification. We want to feel good and we want it now. Having experienced widespread prosperity for decades, millions seem to feel a sense of entitlement to a life of ease and are willing to take any necessary short-cuts to achieve that and lies become so accepted they are not even recognized as wrong.
“Even one’s emotional range seems to be more strongly related to values and a basic ‘way of life’ than to basic temperament. For instance, psychologists Shula Sommers and Anthony Scioli found that men and women who have a limited emotional range tend to value a way of life based on pleasure and self-indulgence, and to reject the values of responsibility and loyalty…,” Tavris. To what degree has our culture lost its emotional range? This directly relates to how an individual handles hardship or stress. Are they more inclined to responsibility and deal with the circumstances or to avoid and try to run away from the situation by medicating themselves using drugs or alcohol. Have we confused self-care and inner-direction with selfishness and immediate gratification? Mature and conscious self-care strives to be fully honest, with its focus squarely on the reality of the present moment.
In the early 1970’s definitive studies were published on the practice of muscle testing, or applied kinesiology, demonstrating that “the strength or weakness of every muscle was connected to the health or pathology of a specific corresponding body organ.” From there, holistic practitioners including psychiatrist Dr. John Diamond conducted research and practice consistently showing that “the body instantly went weak in response to unhealthy emotional attitudes or mental stresses…If the statement is negative, false…the test subject will go weak,” Hawkins. The ramifications…with every lie you tell you become physically weaker.
Narcissism is a personality disorder, an unhealthy way of viewing life that over-exaggerates self importance and lacks empathy toward others. Sociopaths are an extreme form of personality disorder and are so damaged that they are incapable of feeling any empathy, which is why they can commit even the most heinous crimes and feel no remorse.
Taking outlawed performance enhancing drugs as a professional athlete is a deception and a characteristic of narcissism. Many athletes today engage in this behavior and these are the same individuals who are role models for many young Americans. It is a perfect example of how personal ego can supplant a heart-felt genuine attempt to aspire to greatness.
In authentic achievement the human condition is elevated with a “transcendence of the personal self”. Perhaps the “New American Way” is moving towards cultural narcissism.
People with narcissistic tendencies will use the fallback position of manipulation to achieve their desired outcomes. Although the narcissist appears as though they are profoundly self-assured, they are exaggeratedly so to mask significantly low and alarmingly fragile self-esteem. Truth telling is courageous and is a hallmark trait of genuine self-confidence.
The narcissist uses “force” rather than true personal “power”. “Because force has an insatiable appetite, it constantly consumes. Power, in contrast, energizes, gives forth, supplies, and supports. Power gives life and energy – force takes these away. We notice that power is associated with compassion and makes us feel positively about ourselves. Force is associated with judgment and makes us feel poorly about ourselves,” Hawkins.
Power is correlated with truth and produces resonance, as force is associated with lying and results in dissonance. Power is what this culture used to be based on.
Could the casual inclination to distort the truth in our culture and the resulting limiting outcomes and ensuing emptiness be a major reason why the use of antidepressants has soared and become nothing short of mainstream? Does emphasis on narcissistic immediate gratification and the ‘spin’ of image over substance leave our children yearning for deeper meaning that superficial manipulation can never, ever provide?
Empathy is the developed ability to take the feelings of others into thoughtful consideration. It breeds trust and genuine open expression, which in turn fosters a state of resonance, or harmony. Telling the truth fosters empathy.
Picture that when people lie they glaze over and present an artificial self. Telling the truth is tantamount to saying a resounding YES to life! While lying conceals, telling the truth illuminates. Genuine community is based on a cultural ideas that support honesty, truth, and trust. According to Dr. Hawkins to become truly powerful you must replace all that is false with truth and that is the essence of healing for all. This country and culture can regain it’s “Power” by being courageous and focusing on qualities of Truth, Honesty, Empathy, Service towards others, and Integrity.
References:
- POWER VS. FORCE The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.
- ANGER The Misunderstood Emotion by Carol Tavris
- The Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett
- Primal Leadership Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, Annie McKee
For more info, contact Terry Lowey MFT at (775) 322-1924.
